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Every push brought a new pattern. Some stronger, some with different tempos.. I have to admit. I was intrigued. I could not help wondering…. I was lost in thought. And when I looked up, he was sitting there with this evil knowing grin on his face. “Fuck off”! I told him, as I got up to walk to the door. But he beat me to the door. “Wait!”: He told me. He slipped the toy into my pocket. “At least try it”. What was I going to do with it? I couldn’t take it home! I did not dare leave it in my desk! What if somebody found it? What would they think! I rushed out of his office. Blushing furiously. When I got to my office, I stuck it in the side pocket of my computer bag. Several days passed. And still I could not get the toy out of my mind. One afternoon. I found myself staring at my computer bag. I pulled the bag closer. And took it out. I held the egg in my hand. And pressed the button on the remote. Nothing! I tried to push the button again, but still. Nothing. I tried looking for a way. The path of most people’s lives, leaves a trail of unopened doors, behind which lay the magic of life never released because of our fear. My life was easy in comparison to most… up until the summer I have described in the previous volume of my tale. Easy isn’t even the right word for it. Blessed is a better one. By the end of that summer I thought I knew true pain. The loss of Sasha. The loss of my child. The loss of my path. These losses brought me pain the likes of which I had never known existed, let alone felt. All that pain provided me with a new respect for fear. As with everyone, I had felt fear in the past. But this new fear, brought on by actual loss, actual pain… this was fear on steroids. I let it consume me for a time. I almost let it take me. My fear of death palled in comparison to the looming shadow of my fear of living. Aoife saved me that night on my knees, next to the bed Sasha and I had shared. She pressed an unseen pause button, which allowed me the opportunity.
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