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" How did this ever happen? Other times I thought about: Why did it happen so quickly? Normally, I would expect to go on a few dates before there was any sex. Embarrassment also afflicted me at times, making me wish it hadn’t happened.I composed a mental note to everyone who knows me:"Dear all, I can only start by telling you that I’m sorry in how I’ve let myself and you all down. You think I'm a nice well-balanced heterosexual girl with a fine reputation. Disappointingly, I thought I was too, but at the weekend, I ashamedly had sex on a first date. To deepen the wound in your estimation of me, I have to confess that it was with a girl." It never went beyond being a mental note.On other occasions I flipped to the complete opposite: It was a new and wildly radical experience, which, be honest with yourself, you enjoyed intensely. Why are you beating yourself up about it when you know you won’t be able to resist doing it again? The back of my mind, the bit that normally harbours. I returnedher gaze, but after a minute, I began to feel uncomfortable and tried tolook away. I could see her smile as I started to avert my gazedownwards, as she recognized that she had won that little contest ofwills. How little did I know that her victory was greater than I couldever imagine."A fail? Dr. Swan, are you sure that you read my paper carefully?"I tried to look up at her, but instead my eyes were transfixed on herdirty cleats. For some reason it bothered me that they were so dirty,and all I could do is stare at her feet. I didn't respond to her, so sheloudly cleared her throat and thrust her paper back at me to get myattention.I stumbled a bit and took the paper back from her. "I'm sorry Lauren,but I don't think you even read the book. For example, the maincharacter... you must realize that the main character is Hester, right?"She looked at me intensely again and pointed to her paper, motioning meto read it again. "Are you sure? I thought the character's name.
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