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So many thoughts and feelings were spelled out in little black dots with lines and squiggles. Sad that I was going to let it all disappear into nothingness. My books lay in the opposite corner, near the shattered glass of the wine bottle. Dozens of stacks of books…novels, short stories, reference books, journals. I had loved to read. The stories on pages that took me to far off places and filled my mind with dreams and fantasies had been as much a part of me as my music had. Many nights of candles and hot cocoa rested between the pages of those books. I never felt quite so alone when there were unread pages for me to devour. Some of those books I had read repeatedly. There were passages that were memorized and characters that would speak to me at the oddest of times. Then one day I realized that the characters that were speaking to me weren’t from any book or story that I had read, but rather from books and stories that I had yet to write. It was an odd revelation, that. I had. After about 30min of watching guys walk back and forth to the room, a rather attractive man, I’m guessing he was in his late 20’s, I’m in my early 30’s, walked back from the room and made an effort to make eye contact with me. He smiled and I returned the gesture. Next thing I knew he was sitting next to me. My heart was in my throat. It was pounding so loudly I could barely hear the noises from the movie. I suddenly felt much more interested in what was occurring on the screen. I stared at it with an almost blinkered awareness. I couldn’t bring myself to look at the guy who had just sat next to me. I had to fight the urge to tell him I wasn’t gay, or even curious or anything... I was in a bit of a panic, and then his knee touched mine... and I wasn’t in a panic anymore. I don’t know how, but I knew what I wanted to do, and I did it.I slowly placed a finger from my left hand against his leg. He moved slightly, almost imperviously, towards me. I took that as the signal I needed to.
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