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Xander had been--and most likelystill was--in serious emotional pain, in psychological torment, andshe'd relied upon clich?s and political propaganda to placate him. He'dsuffered the equivalent of a spiritual sucking chest wound, and she'dapplied a Band-aid of politically correct platitudes. Now, having gonethrough similar sexual experiences, Buffy knew the depths of the guilt,fear, humiliation, and shame that would continue to erode her self-confidence, self-esteem, self-respect, and joy for the rest of her days.Xander no doubt felt the same welter of confusing doubts and heard thesame self-directed recriminations. Whereas she thought of herself,however unjustly, as a slut and a whore, Xander probably called himselfsuch names as "faggot" and "queer." Despite the gay community's emphasison pride, many gays continued to feel depressed and miserable aboutthemselves and, more specifically, about their "sexual identities," preferences," or whatever the socially acceptable term. But as the day wore on, it drew closer until I threw myself on the bed and sobbed in an agony of self-accusation. I cried until I was exhausted.In the calm that followed my shame, I thought of the kiss Sheri and I had shared that day, and the shame dissolved into pleasure. I put my hand against my mouth and relived the pressure of her lips on mine, the softness of her, the fragrance of her perfume. The shudder that had passed through my body when, all pins and needles, I had timidly, shyly, ventured to touch those lips with the tip of my tongue as she opened to me and drew me into her mouth. It had been like a wrestling match, her tongue and mine - her warm, wet, oh-so-delightful tongue.I relived the happiness and excitement that kiss had wrought and thought maybe – maybe - I had not done anything so wicked after all.I finally got up to go to the bathroom. As I released my stream my thoughts wandered again to Sheri. She was so normal, so feminine, the model of a mother and a teacher.
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