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Her question took me by surprise. The way she asked me sounded as if we were having an affair and I now had to tell my ex-lover that it was all over because I had found somebody else. Probably that wasn't what she meant, but I still thought this was a good opportunity to put things into perspective - my perspective."Yes. He'll want to know what happened. It was his idea that I should masturbate in front of you and 'see what develops'. Now, I'll have to tell him what developed."It was Fiona's turn to be surprised. "He told you to masturbate in front of me? And you did it because he told you to? Are you saying that everything between us happened merely on Roger's request?"I felt tempted to confirm her suspicion, but I didn't want to hurt Fiona unnecessarily. I also knew that it would have been untrue."No," I said. "Roger's suggestion just gave me permission to follow my impulse. What happened took place because we were both very excited. And you are very beautiful. So I lost. Thegirls didn't because I was a boy. When I tried to join the other kids I wasattacked, teased or at the best, shunned. Although I was pretty good inteam sports I was still picked last.For example, when I was about twelve and walking home from school, this boycame up from behind me and said, "I want to see if you're a boy or a girl,"and goosed me. I fell down to the ground to protect myself. The physicalpain lasted only a minute or two. The emotional pain lasted a lifetime.In high school my senior class voted as to who was the best looking.Although I tried to hide what I was at the time I came in third in thevoting for girls behind two effeminate boys.Although I knew about the other boy I though back then that I was the onlyone like me and no one else had these thought that this boy shell shouldhave been a girl's. In fact at that age I was sent to psychiatrists becauseI was unhappy and uncommunitive. But I couldn't discuss how I felt withthese shrinks even though I went for a long.
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