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Since Helen has started the Depo-Proveratreatment on me my sex drive has been wiped out, but there is still somesort of desire I have to be thought of in a sexual way and perhapssomeday to satisfy someone needs. I think the oestrogen treatment alsobrings out my submissive side in a massive way. To be honest, I dosometimes have a rape fantasy, not as the perpetrator of the crime, butas the victim. I feel like I am no longer in the dominant gender ofsociety and now have joined submissive half. So, when I catch men likeRob giving me a leering glance I don't think of anything sexual as such.I dream of bending to their superior will and providing, not just whatthey want, but what they deserve.The sex life Heidi and I once enjoyed long ago is now a closed subject weno longer really talk about. It is sort of like she never acknowledgesthat I was ever anything unlike the person I am now. Meanwhile Heidi haschanged dramatically. Since she relocated to London with me she hastransformed herself. _Forced disconnect,_ I thought after what seemed an age. _Sim shutdown. Oh Christ._It took me what seemed an age to come back to myself. My eyes seemedgummy and sticky as I opened them, seeing the small room, the one Lenhad imprisoned me in, and there was Len and he was being hit by one ofthe security men and I wanted him to feel pain and I wanted him to fuckme again and I was so confused and there was a warm body next to mineand I curled up against it and it seemed like a good idea to go back tosleep so I did.***Three days I had been Len's prisoner. It seemed like over a month, butit had only been three days. Len was sent to a Psychological StudyEnvironment; AJeff was taken offline so his reprogramming could beremoved.That was the _least_ of the aftermath."They weren't even sure who you were," the doctor was telling me,flipping through charts. "Luckily your internal system has a uniquesignature so that your identity could be confirmed after... after thechanges."The prick in my arm.
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