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"I was just about to start typing when suddenly she carried on, "Nichola,how about we pledge to each other that whatever happens while you are mysister stays behind us and after this very strange time in our lives isbehind us we, get married and the past will be while not forgotten willbe the past?"Tears filled my eyes and I reached for her and hugged her to my breasts(my Breasts????), nodding in agreement - that was about three of thenagging questions I had just thought about answered and as best as wecould do answered in a good way... I think.We continued our one sided conversation for a good hour when it wasdinner time, a catering assistant brought me my dinner, soft scrambledeggs and vanilla ice cream.All to protect my throat, I couldn't eat some solid food, but I had toloose 18lbs to reach my desired weight, remembering that female hormonestend to put weight on you.After lunch Amy, Mum and a middle aged woman came to see me, the womanwas introduced as Gwen Shelby the. ..Finding myself once again without anyone to let me express these deep,innermost, desires hit me hard. Really hard.Over the months, I tried to fill the gap in my life by buying morestuff. More lingerie and shoes, more porn and toys, in fact anything todistract me from the faint nagging ache of remembering. I dressed formyself, inventing stories that had me tying myself up, or spankingmyself or fucking myself - all of which provided some short-term reliefbut seemed flat and totally inadequate compared to the illicit, heart-stopping, excitement of being in the arms of another real live humanbeing.Although I couldn't have known it, through those frustrating, despairingtimes, there WAS a new relationship waiting in the wings. In a way Icould never have predicted, it would take a leap in the dark, lettingthe aspect of me that was Jemima be opened up to new, more intense,experiences of sexual exploration and growth, before I would once morebe allowed to feel the caresses of a loving male.
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