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My mind keeps forgettinghow to breathe rightFor while others air goIn and outout and inIn a simple function of normalityMine falters a lot of the timeTurns my voice into wheezing gaspsThe dead could speak better than IMy lungs squish into a tiny boxIn the center of my chestCausing a volcanic eruption of painIt is a very similar feeling to my heartWhich thumps and clamorsAt a speed unknown to humanityThe pace of a jackrabbit heartwhose cotton little tail's on fireUntil it simply feels like itFrozen insidesBrown eyes mixed with sadEmpty heartFast mindEmotions running fastSensitive soulBlank stareDepression all aroundTear stained cheeksOnce around the block and done.No extra-time or after parties,just a head-spinning rattlefrom itching frustrationto breathless incredulityat the pace of it allSo please, by all meanssaunter, dance, crawl, or wriggleas the situation demands,although sometimes you’ll still kvetchat slow walking goons in the supermarketand want to crack the back of their. The pornstar thing became another stick with which Luther became adept at beating and manipulating me with. Even on that first Sunday after I’d thrown my toys out of the pram, a DVD sat unwatched but tempting on our lounge coffee table. Jill had brought it back when on that Saturday night / Sunday morning Veronica had alerted her to how pissed I was and that she should get her ass back home as soon as she could to commence damage limitation exercises.It turns out the porno video had actually been shot the day before, on Friday night which was one of Jill’s regular ‘sleepover’ with Malcolm nights. So even though Jill was home a couple of hours after I’d started watching the porno, the full porno had been shot, complete with all the things Luther had originally planned. My temper tantrum hadn’t stopped them as I was watching a day after the event.And of course, Jill and Luther knew very well that by leaving the porno movie there I’d eventually give in to temptation and watch.
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