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" No, it wouldn't. It was a shock, I can tell you, but I'd have been really mad if they hadn't have told me. They were making you out to be the villain of the piece." Oh," I said, "Did your dad tell you how old I was and how old he was when I conceived?" No, is it relevant?" Well, it's difficult to be a villain when you're only seventeen." Oh my God mum, really?" Yes darling, really. Hey, I just called you darling!" Yes," he leaned over and kissed my cheek, "And I just kissed you, I'll tell you something mum, I bet dad wishes he'd stood by you." Why?" Because you're a doll, that's why. You only look about twenty-one."I laughed with him as we walked in through the gate. It was still hanging off, I had been busy enough without bothering with that."Oh wow, mum," he said and whistled in admiration, "This place is something else." Yes, I've worked hard on it."That impressed him as well, "You've done it yourself?" He asked."Apart from ploughing the field, yes." Field, what field?" The one. It was just as good for I was not in love with him. I liked him and I loved the fact he made Sherri happy however, I was not in love with him.I could never love again for if I did the abuse would start again. I had it in my head that the men in my past were good men and they had turned bad when I loved them. If I took no love from a man nor gave or showed any back then not only was I safe so was my daughter.I had it in my head that both Mark and Joe were my fault. I had caused them to beat me. I deserved it, as I was a bad person as well as a bad mother. All the men in my life had treated me poorly so that was what I was used too and I accepted it.I sat there thinking that even if John did love me it would never work. He was high class, smart and good-looking. While I was a struggling single mom, with no class, but I was good looking I would give myself that. There was also the fact of what I saw in his eyes sometimes that troubled me as well. That man was hiding something and I was.
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