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Sometimes we purge entirely and sometimeswe simply "thin the herd" when the wardrobe, wig, and shoe collectionbecomes too difficult to hide.Denial is unfortunately a large part of the package for manycrossdressers; how many times will the average crossdresser purge theirwardrobes only to eventually reconcile with it all and fill the closet orthe suitcase or the trunk with the latest fashions? Denial is at thecrossroads of what is real and what is not. Denial is intrinsic. Denialsprings from not accepting who we are for a number of reasons. Just asthose around us might not believe that we are crossdressers we ourselveshave trouble believing it. I can still remember the first time I shaved mylegs and the mixed feelings it brought up in me. Shaving your legs isindicative of a commitment to crossdressing, a commitment that makesdenial difficult if not impossible. I was giddy at having shaved my legsyet struggled with accepting my true self. Many if not most of us areperfectly normal. I slowly started to gather everything that happened in the last few seconds. Azem was hiding my personal belongings. Then he entered the back door, to sit next to me. I saw he was nervous; and I was so much scared... Tears run down my face as he handcuffed my hands behind my back. I have been raped in the past... I... I... begged, "Please, don't hurt me... You... said I was a special girl... Please, you can't treat me..."He avoided looking at my face all the time. I still wept. I saw he's battling his thoughts, before he whispered,"Natalia, why are you doing this to me?"Azem bent over me as I leaned my back on the door. He tried to dry my eyes. He was shaking. Our lips met to synchronize in a delicate musk. His hot breath made me shiver. Sexual tension filled the car and electricity surged in every kiss we shared. As weird as it was in my situation, I wanted him to own me tied and to own me in that very moment... "Me qi, shpirti..." ("Fuck me, darling" - in Albanian) I demanded with.
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