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I polished my nails (toes and fingers). I was wearing tighter pants and shirts. I usually wore sandals, without socks, my polished toes peeking out. One day I was sitting in my office and an officemate, Sheila, appeared at the door. When I looked up and said hi, she came in and shut the door behind her."You look very different these days," she said, smiling.I hadn't officially come out as yet but it excited me that my new femininity was noticed."Yes," I said, deliberately putting a little lisp in my voice, and speaking a little softer. I had always loved Sheila's looks - and her manner. She was always very straightforward and assertive. She was attractive but not at all thin. She was tall, with nice legs, and a big bust. When I had my 'mommy' yearnings, which was often, she was always high up in my thoughts. Now here she was in my office, the door closed, and there I was, in my relatively girly look. "So you're gay?" she said.I nodded, eager to confess, especially to a 'mommy'."Are. I think my dad saw her like that too. He was by no means henpecked, but I could tell he had a deep and resounding respect for her.They discussed things, but hers was usually the last and defining word onany given subject.My mother never slumped and always held her head up high. I will alwaysremember her as being the last one to look away during a conversation ora disagreement with other people, yet she was as feminine and graceful asshe was powerful and strong.Her only weakness is her addiction to cigarettes, but ironically, as achild, I mistook her weakness as a strength and of course I wanted to bestrong like her. As a child and young teen, I glamorized my mother'ssmoking and was in awe of it.The concept of breathing smoke seemed so challenging and difficult to mychildish mind, so I reasoned that my father and others weren't up to thetask. She was and is a heavy smoker. The habit invaded every wakingmoment of her life. She smoked while she did her housework, and when.
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