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I think that because I wasn't able to be a producer for you, I resented you for that. I think my subconscious thought I was carrying you. Without being personal, I'm sure you can see why I would think that. I doubt anything I am saying is not something you've already thought. I don't mean to try and make you think that the way you are is wrong or incomplete – far from it. I love who you are. I just need you to understand where my animal brain was.I think that this resentment coupled with my own guilt about what I'd been up to in New Orleans was why I provoked you when I was in LA, and why I was so short with you. None of that you deserved or expected – that was my own fucked up wiring being put on you. I'm sorry my love. I can't say that often enough.So there's the low level resentment, and then there's the other part that I've been advised is part of my personality make up. I don't honestly buy this on a conscious level, but I'm told it's there and explains part of what I. When I arrived back at Johns in Blacburn he was waiting for me, Im so sorry about this Peter he said, but I have had a lot on my mind of late, as I took the order he siad let me change that cheque and I waited whlst John wrote out a new one, he walked round the big desk and came up in front of me holding the cheue in hs hand, he stared at me as he handed me the cheque, there was something in his face something I couldnt yet read but would very shortly, I put the new order back in my case and as I looed up John as still staring a me and then it happened, it was so quick one moment he was just staring then his lips were on mine and his tongue was in my mouth, it was my first man kiss, Id always thought I would be sick if ever I kissed or was kissed by another men but no instead I put my hands around his waist and held him like I used to hold my wife, seconds later my hands dropped and started to caress his buttocks and I felt Johns on my trouser front carefully playing with my cock.
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