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I was going to miss so much of my childrens' lives and Jodi and I were obviously done. Had it been worth it, no, but it was done.As Jodi rolled over, sat up and pulled the blankets up to cover her naked form, I handed her the phone and sat quietly near her on the bed. I watched as she looked at the phone, and was shocked as she put it down. She looked at me and asked a question that completely threw me off my base. “Is that what you want?”I didn't know how to respond. I didn't even understand the question. She repeated it. There was no anger in her voice, no hurt in her eyes, just the question, “Is that what you want?”“I don't know.” I answered her. “I lost track of what I want a long time ago and lost track of who I am today. I did things today that I never would have thought myself capable of doing. I have never felt rage like that, and I certainly have never wanted to hurt you or take advantage of you like that. When the shit hit the fan though, I did. I did those things knowing. Was this how his older brother’s had felt about him? Whenever he had managed to disappear into the fields, and his brothers had found him, their expressions had been taut with worry even through the stern façade and the smack on his hand they gave him for his wandering. He was so much younger than his brothers were. He had always felt protected by them, and now he wished they were still alive, to come and help him, to protect him so he could feel safe, and the horrible churning of his stomach could dissipate. Varin found himself wishing he could have that child like innocence back, the ability to find good, and playful imaginings all around him, and he wanted to cry with anger over the loss of his childhood. He had felt honored when Erick had regarded him in such high esteem and trust to place him as head guard to watch over Matilda and Anika. He had been only twelve then nearly thirteen, built big and strong even by that early age, other guardians of lands and self serving men.
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