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The doctors' letters must have been fakes. My period still hasn't arrived and it's not going to either. I waited until today and got a test kit. I peed in a cup and held the little test strip in it for five seconds. I waited for two minutes and then I saw the result... a blue + sign which means it's 99% sure that I'm pregnant. Knocked up. Have a bun in the oven. In the family way. But I have no family now. I'll either be one of those penniless single Moms or I'll be sick with guilt for ending the pregnancy. I just don't know what to do.(Later) I found half a bottle of Joe's brandy in the cupboard and it's relaxing me. Probably bad for the little one inside me but right now that's the least of my worries. I'm convinced that Joe did not get himself 'fixed' as he claimed and that when he made love to me (No... he fucked me) he knew he might make me pregnant. And he didn't care. I wonder how Val would feel about that. Tomorrow I'm going to ask Val to come visit me for a heart to heart. I thennoticed Susan starting at me. What? What are you looking at? Well Cass, Ihate to tell you this but are you on mones? Mones, I said? Hormones silly.I mean you have boobs, hips and a pretty nice ass. It took me years to getwhat I have and I've been out 24/7 for years now, Susan replied. Well Idid take them years ago to just test them out. I had to stop when itstarted to show but I hated the way I felt when I was off of them so I'vebeen taking some natural stuff you can buy at the local drug store. Theinternet says they are safe and will not really cause much change. I dolike how they make me feel. Phytoestrogens, Susan said. Yeah I think theycall them that. I tried taking one a day but that did not do anything so Iread I should take 5 at each meal. 15? You take 15 pills a day after jumpstarting yourself with the real stuff? How many years did you take thereal stuff Cass, Susan asked. Well 3 or 4 years I think. I stopped for amonth or two once but I hated how I felt so I started.
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