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"I never thought of it that way Idin, I am sorry" She says."Lillian the truth is, you always could of done more, in hindsight I could of done a hell of a lot more, but I didn't, and I live with that, I know that I can only do the best I can, sure I should of seen the gun as being to easy, but I had the hope it was real, so I went on, next time ill be more cautious, or I wont." I say.Lillian nods."sorry Idin." Lillian says.I am not angry with her, I am angry with myself, Sharon and Jennifer are now in the hands of animals, I have seen what they are capable of, even good people turned like that are capable of great harm.Lillian is sitting, it has been an hour of punching, I have a small hole now, it is all I need, with my finger acting as a can opener and my strength I tear into the metal making a hole so I can see the dirt above, I wonder how deep down we went.And I have a thought, please please don't be under a building, I have no desire to claw through a few feet of poured. Johnson recommended after he prescribed the pills I told you about. I have been going to him every week for the last while. I thought it was helping too, until these dreams started a few days ago."My heart was again thumping... a little too fast this time. "Dreams, mom?"She took a while to reply, "I am just a little lonely honey. It's just silly stuff."I pushed it, "About you and dad, mom?"Her back muscles tensed up under my open hands, "Yes... yes they are." And that's what you dreamt about tonight?"Again tentatively, "Yes."The silence reigned for a good long while before mother sat back, laying her head upon her pillow and staring up at me. An obviously forced soft smile appeared, "Thank you for caring, honey."Instead of thinking about my mother's mental state and her struggle to deal with my father's abandonment, my teenaged mind was wondering what it would be like to be this woman's lover - to sit here and talk to her as an equal and not as her child. Would she let me fondle her?.
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