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”“I know,” I said softly.Now I had to figure out what to say to Ben about declining the invitation. Calling Becky was out of the question, even though that might be a route to resolving the issue. I wondered if I could ask Alyson to talk to her on my behalf and relay the message. That was probably the only safe way to do it.“Are we OK?” Jessica asked.“Yes,” Kara said. “So long as our husband keeps the promise he just made.”March 28, 1990, Chicago, Illinois“Happy Birthday, Honey!” I whispered when I climbed into bed after walking Jessica to work.“Go to sleep, it’s too early,” Kara giggled.“I’d rather make love to my wife on her birthday,” I whispered.She turned to face me and without opening her eyes kissed me.“Love me, Snuggle Bear,” she sighed.Her ever-increasing belly meant I needed her to turn away from me, so I gently rolled her away. I cupped her swelling breast, then ran my hand over the taut skin that helped protect our son or daughter, until I reached her pubic hair. I gently. Deb was in my arms and we were both holding each other close. I needed to tell her the rest because I felt if I didn’t, I’d never be able to bring it up again.I blurted it out, “Deb, there’s one more thing you need to know... I want to watch you and Gus again.”There, I said it. I couldn’t believe I said it, but I did. It couldn’t be taken back. More fear and that nauseous feeling in the stomach wondering if I had finally said too much. How would she take this revelation? It was bad enough that I had confessed all my other deep depravities and deep-seated uncertainties. Would this be the last straw?She was silent. Time agonizingly ticked by. I thought, Now I have really done it!I realized that when she finally answered, it was because she was seriously thinking through how best to respond. Not that she hated me or was thinking less of me, but sincerely considering my statement.She said, “Sweetheart, I’m not even sure if I’d ever even considered another time with Gus, never mind if you.
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