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It wears on you. Then there’s the anxiety that comes from the fallout of the illness. I.E. paying bills with little money. Trying to maintain relationships. Worries about the future and if you have one.Every now and then though, things ease up a bit. You don’t hurt so much. You’re mind is a little clearer and you find a smile on your face. That’s me at the moment. My head hurts and I had to leave work early because I went totally mute. But I’m not shaking and I don’t need my cane and my wife’s not crying or yelling at me. I feel relatively happy. I had a nap and a bowl of chili with some shredded cheese in it.Last night I was a little down and feeling envious which is an emotion I try to avoid like the plague. It’s almost as poisonous as bitterness which will kill your soul. I was envious because there’s all these people who can make choices and I can’t. Oh, I can make the choices, but I don’t have the power to back them up. Simple example: I can decide I want a Little Caesar’s. Although I was probably thinking with the wrong head I felt like she knew what she was doing to me but I had to be sure, I had to find out if I was right. The rest of the day went as normal, after doing her homework she came outside to help me in the yard as she always does. This time was a little different being she was still wearing the shorts that had driven me crazy all day which were doing a great job of distracting me as I worked. Sitting on the steps waiting as put up the rakes I saw the sexiest thing I had seen yet when she returned and stood in front of me with her hands on her hips, the elastic was darkened by her sweat which formed a dark line down the front of her shorts all the way between her legs stopping in a larger spot where her patch of black hair would be. After a quick thank you she was on her way to take a shower. I sat on the deck enjoying a few cold beers before heading inside where I found her in her room wearing a fuller pair of shorts and a t-shirt since.
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