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.. I did ... I guess up until I was 16. Before that I was always on all these guilt trips when I was like 14-15 or so. I was real scared of being watched all the time, and I kinda resented it. I was thinking... 'God, you're always watching me, so how come you don't come down here and help me out every so often?' I'd pray for stuff, but I never got one single thing I wanted. Not one single fucking thing. And it wasn't as though I was praying for money or anything like that, 'cause I knew that we were supposed to be poor and God was OK with that and that to want money was sinful ... but I'd pray for stuff like having friends in Salinas or hearing from my friends in Nebraska, or maybe hearing from my dad, or being a bit happier. I never got any of those things, so in the end ... I just prayed that God could change my attitude towards my own life, to have Satan leave me alone and be content with what God gave me. I didn't even get that. So I finally gave up on praying 'cause it wasn't. And then they made you leave! One of the goons actually stood up with his hands folded against his midsection and intoned, "This concludes the burial part of the service." No way! No tossing a rose in the hole, shoveling in your personal clump of dirt. Talk about lack of closure. I was instantly picturing Grandma kicking off the lid, jumping out, and racing down the grassy slopes with the ghouls in pursuit shouting, "Come back, come back, you're paid for!"The memorial reception was about as deadly as can be imagined. The damp of a basement church recreation room. The battered upright piano pushed against the wall. Old donuts and platters of sliced packaged ham and loaves of white bread. Two liter bottles of warm soda with a bowl of ice from a machine that could use a little cleaning. Tiny paper cups the size of the ones the doctor asks you to pee in. "The lesson to be learned here," I whispered to Ashley, "is that it definitely pays to plan your own party." Really! And book it well.
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