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We lay there panting and spent, he rolled off me and we both stared up into the cloudless blue sky. I caressed his body under his shirt, wondering how my life would change if I had this man every day.“Oh god, you are an incredible man”“Well thank you ma’am, I do try to please”We laughed together, joined by our coupling until he looked deep into my eyes and I felt the need to kiss again, roughly pushing my tongue into his mouth, feeling him respond and push back until I thought his tongue was going down my throat.He drew back “I think we should get you down to the lane” and smiled knowingly. I nodded agreement and we put our clothes back together before he dismounted and got onto the tractor, started the engine and drove slowly down the track. The tractor stopped moving and I sat up to see the gate to the lane about fifty metres ahead and S standing beside the tractor.“I’ve given your wife a lift, she’s in the trailer”S turned and looked at me, somewhat dishevelled and with straw. What upset me is I discovered that without those pills my brain can’t function. So it’s not a matter of becoming normal again or any simulation of it. It is simply about functioning well enough not to shit my pants and no I don’t want to talk about it.My family has been talking with each other about what to do when dad dies. They seem to forget I have really good hearing and being in another room and speaking low doesn’t keep me out.Plus, the IRS thinks it’s ok for me to have filed in March and I still haven’t received my tax refund and it’s October. How stupid of me. Social Security still hasn’t had my court date.The last two months I’ve alternated being pissed at the world and depressed. I’ve had a couple of good times don’t get me wrong. That’s just a matter of having fun in spite of. I sleep alot now, I’ll sleep a full night and then sleep 1-3 hours a day. I know part of it was boredom. There’s only so much you can do in a bedroom. That’s where I spent the Summer in between mad.
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