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I’d really fucked up and was now just about at rock bottom. An overwhelming sense of shame washed over me; incidents came unbidden into my mind; how I'd lied, how I'd cheated, how I'd stolen. Suddenly I wasn't so proud of my reputation; I was a slut, and I was ashamed of it. And now there was Her, She had berated me, I definitely knew She wasn’t happy with me, but there was something there, something else. This wasn’t the incoherent rage I used to get from my father, it wasn’t anger that drove Her, it was disappointment, as if I’d let Her down. I felt small, I felt lost, I felt an aching need I couldn’t describe, but I didn’t feel afraid, not of Her.I was still staring at myself in the mirror when She returned.?Well?? She asked.?Please, Miss, please help me.? I don’t know where the words came from but I felt like I was drowning and reaching out to Her outstretched hand.?Are you sorry, really sorry?? She asked.?Yes, Miss.? Somehow, now I’d started, this was easy.There was a long. Nao was sitting with one leg folded up underneath her, leaning in towards him and laughing that beautiful laugh of hers. Josh had a reputation around the school as a 'pump & dump' operator who went through girls like I went through socks. He wasn't particularly discreet about who he was 'pumping', or how he went about it either.As I watched them talking, he casually laid his hand on the knee that she was pointed towards him. She didn't move it away. I felt a sick heavy feeling in my stomach. I hung around the common room, pretending to watch TV, but really keeping an eye on Nao and Josh. I tried to find an opportunity to say something to her, to warn her about Josh, but she spend the rest of the evening talking to him. Before a chance to talk to her arose that night, one of the coaches came through the door calling for lights out.For the third night in a row, my sleep was restless and broken. I dreamed that I was in the pool, swimming hard. I reached the end of the lane and tumbled.
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