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Sleep is the elusive angel of our lusts. We never get enough sleep. We never have enough men. Everyone laughs at us – the IRA, the RUC, the protestants, the Catholics. We never do anything right. We are too little too late. And now Riley is dying – this big 40-year-old man gutshot and I’m just a kid. It could have been me but it’s not and I don’t want to be gutshot either. Through and through in the upper arm maybe . . . a no-boner in the fleshy part of the thigh . . . perhaps a little side-shot – like a modern version of a Heidelberg saber scar. All honorable service. Riley won’t get a medal for this. We’re not fucking green berets with purple hearts flowing out of our asses. This is a hard army. You don’t get medals for nothing in this army. Riley didn’t do anything heroic and that’s the nub of us. We’re anti-heroes. We are anti-Gung Ho. The last thing we care about is heroism. All we do heroism-wise is drag a wounded comrade off the street. The rest is all fear. We crawl from. He feels cheap and sleazy with regard to the eleven he has tagged in his tender twenty-six years. I have accumulated two hundred in one single year. 1985. What an amazing year. If it had a pulse, I fucked it. Man, woman, beast. It didn’t matter. If I could have combined the efforts of each one of these species into one huge fuckfest, I would have. I cringe writing these words. One person in my life knows about my closet. He is my ex-husband, and a large part of that closet. He has rummaged through it, and been horrified by it for the most part. Out of love, once upon a time, he closed and barricaded the door, so that nothing accidentally spilled out at inopportune times. Once we divorced, however, he ripped the door open and laid the contents on the table, much to the delight of his lawyers. Bones everywhere, with no meat on them for the sharks. You can’t penalize someone for having a past, except in our legal system. According to some, justice is blind. This is not so when your.
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