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You know how much I love you, how much I adore you, but I can't reach your heart.” “ Then why do you want to marry me? That doesn't make sense.” “ I said 'I want to marry you or let you go.'” “ Why would you let me go if we have fun and you enjoy my stories. I love living here and telling you stories.” “ I know, but I want you here because you see who I am, that I'm no longer the man who wants to fuck young women and toss them away. I want your love and have realized I will never have it. I don't care if we get legally married, but I want to feel your love and not have you hiding behind a mask—a storyteller. It's too painful wanting you and knowing you can't or won't give yourself to me.” It hurt to see how sad he was as he spoke, how I was causing him so much pain, but at the same time, that's what I wanted. I wanted to break his heart. “ Do you really want me to leave?” I asked. “ No, I want you to love me, but if you can't, I have to let you go so you can find happiness. I can imagine you laughing at me for over air-conditioning the place and then squeaking in surprise when the sheets are frozen. The thought of you makes me pout a little and check my phone again, just in case I missed a call in the ten minutes it took me to get ready for bed. I haven't. I pull the piles of blankets up to cover my shoulders and resign myself to sleeping alone.I'm not any good at sleeping in lonely beds, but I don't know anyone in this city to call to come round for a platonic snuggle. I suppose I will just have to wait, patiently, for your arrival. I'm also not any good at patience or waiting.After a while of staring at the ceiling, I roll over and stare at the window across the room. It doesn't make me any more sleepy than the ceiling did, so I close my eyes. If I lay very, very still and don't open my eyes, I can almost imagine your footsteps on the carpet, crossing the room. And if I concentrate hard enough (but not so hard that I break my suspension of belief), I.
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