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Even though he can’t see me from the other room, I try my best not to move a muscle, to meet his impossible standards of obedience that are, in fact, devised to insure that I’ll fail. It’s precisely this irrational cruelty that I find so sexually stimulating. I will be given an order. I will fail. I will be disciplined. It is, in microcosm, the old religious formula first articulated in Eden. And it is, in slightly altered form, the algebra of human life. We are born under the order to survive indefinitely. We ultimately fail through age and disease. We die. In each session, one might say that I experience, from birth to death, the drama of an entire life. It is the cruelty of life, of the tragic and doomed conditions of our life, of our planet's life, of all life, that I am eroticizing in this theater of the psyche. The universe is a cruel taskmaster. No—it is not merely cruel. Cruelty is a human value. The cosmos is cold. It is the utter lack of warmth, of caring or concern, that. She askedagain if I would be all right and then she was off. I locked the door,and waited until her car left the lot, then raced into my bedroom andretrieved the package from the back of my drawer. I unwrapped them,grabbed the ones for Friday which were light pink, and slid them on.They fit very well and I grabbed a t-shirt and headed for the livingroom to watch TV until time for dinner. I had just sat down when therewas a knock on the door."Maintenance, anybody home?"I froze, unable to run or answer, I just sat there cross-legged on thecouch. There was the sound of a key in the lock, and the manager walkedin! He paused for a moment, surprised to see me sitting there, butcontinued as if nothing was wrong."Hey there, cutie! Your mom asked me to check the garbage disposal.Just take a minute."He headed into the kitchen and I still could only sit, unable to escape,not even thinking to cross my legs. I had never thought about thesethings before. I heard the disposal run, and then.
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