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I said no we will go out so were, she agreed and phoned and informed the office the she was not well and would not go to the office; I was so thrilled with our first day that I never informed my office. She changed her office uniform and wore a loose top with jeans. We got into the car picked some snacks and tin beer and went to a riverside, which is about 1 hour’s drive. All along the way I held her hand and with both our hands together driving the car. Occasionally I would pick up her hand and kiss it. After a couple of times me doing it she followed it. I was looking straight ahead as I was driving then all of a sudden I found my hand on her bra. She had taken my hand and put it inside her top. I went to hold it and barely did so when she pulls out my hand from underneath the top she was wearing and said concentrate on your driving. I said once more and she obliged.We reached the riverside and laid down a sheet. The place we chose was quite isolated and gave us a lot of privacy.. You put the mug in front of me. ‘What happened?’ ‘I’m an idiot.’ I don’t know why I do this. I get frustrated and I just want to come to you, get re-centered in my world, and get back on my feet. But I never come right out and say it. I don’t say: ‘I had a stupid, minor, entirely avoidable car accident and that – combined with being a full time single-dad – has got me feeling like I’m running on empty.’ For the life of me, I wish I knew how to say ‘I haven’t felt this down since Marlene died.’ I just repeat myself. ‘I’m such a fucking idiot.’ ‘Should I be drinking, too?’ You ask. That makes me smile for a moment. ‘Only if you want. I’m just. . . Before I had kids. . .’ That’s a sentence that’s going nowhere, so I try again. ‘I’m just having a week where it feels like every day is harder to get through than the day before.’ ‘Something happen?’ ‘No, it’s something with me.’ And then I talk. I tell you about the frustration of being on my own over a year with the kids and suddenly.
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