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I got up and sat down on the bed. As Vanessa began to hit me in the back with the small teddy bear to get my attention, Jennifer walked over to me and turned around so that I could get the full affect of her attire. "You look beautiful," I said."Thank you," she said, happy with the compliment. "Do you think Carl will like it?" That's what I'm afraid of."Lady Jennifer laughed again, pleased that I was jealous of her new boyfriend. Turning around, she went over to the dresser bureau and began to comb her long hair. Vanessa got off the bed and ran over to the dresser bureau with the bear in her left hand. She motioned for her mother to pick her up. Jennifer did, sitting the Little Princess on top of the bureau. "Maybe I'll just have you service me after Carl leaves," Jennifer said. "Would you like that?" Yes, Mistress."She put down the hairbrush and picked up a tube of red lipstick. As she applied the lipstick to her full lips, Vanessa pointed to her own lips and gestured that she wanted. One of nearly the hermit kind. One of my favorite quotes on the subject is by the writer Neal Stephenson: “Where did all these people come from, and how do I make them go away?” What this means as far as Christmas is concerned is that even though I enjoy gift-giving, I absolutely hate crowds.When I was about thirty and single—in days before the Internet—I developed tactics for shopping that made dealing with the crowds easier. I didn’t shower, shave, or brush my teeth for three days before going out to hit the malls (in those days, a stubbly face was a sign of poor grooming rather than a fashion statement). On the fateful day, I dressed in raggedy, grubby clothes. A pair of jeans I’d dragged around the garage floor until they were grimy and reeked of oil and gasoline. A tattered shirt. A holey tee-shirt was the best, weather permitting. Then I’d chew and swallow three cloves of raw garlic, washing each mouthful down with a shot of whiskey. Finally, I’d take a fourth shot of whiskey.
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