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It wasn’t rare that an innocent new girl choosing to sit beside me would send ripples of giggles through the classroom and my cheeks, as if to catalyze that reaction, would turn rosier than those of the girl herself. And then, it wouldn’t be long before she would become another of my ‘really good friends’. For years, I was in complete denial to myself and was basking in the female attention showered on me. Guys in college never seemed to have a clue about what girls had so much to talk to me about.Their frustrations boosted the wannabe in me and made the prisoner inside me crawl deeper into the dungeons of denial. Not that I wasn’t friends with guys. But, of course, guys with whom I could feel comfortable, needed to have some preferred traits– non-intimidating, non-aggressive, not interested in sports or at least doesn’t give too much of a damn about it, and doesn’t try to show me pretty chicks on the streets and discuss their vital features. And, the only person who was all that,. ‘I never really had the choice,’ I explained to her. ‘I want to be a mother so badly and I don’t know if I ever will, if I even can. It hurts so much to think I’ll never have that. I’ll play the loving aunt and all the while it’ll hurt so much inside. The worst part is that no one can know.’ I raised my head to look at Esther’s wise, old face and slicked back her smooth ears. ‘It’s awful to be jealous of your friends.’ The golden retriever nestled her muzzle into my hands and I knew she wanted to comfort me. I took what consolation I could get, canine though it might be, it was better than nothing. Yet the empty hollow in my chest remained. With a weary sigh, I wiped away the dampness on my cheeks and rumpled Esther’s beautiful ears one more time in thanks. I rose to my feet, suddenly exhausted. My blankets and pillows waited expectantly on the couch and I burrowed back into them. Esther laid herself down on the floor beside me where I could reach for her if I needed to. Sleep.
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