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My first instinct is to toss it, which I do after tearing it in half. I hesitate, then pull it from the waste basket and slip it into my sock drawer, under some socks. Just in case…For the rest of the week, the memories of that day come flooding back. I think about it, about what had happened. It was so against how I saw myself, what I thought I WAS. And yet, I cannot forget how it felt, being used by someone else, but not feeling used. Others watching me stripped down to my soul, but not feeling humiliated. Pairs of eyes looking at me, but my eyes only see her; and see her eyes looking back at me. I understand now how my subs feel when they give themselves to me. I look at that card 100 times, tape it back together and tear it up again. But I just can’t bring myself to call; afraid to put myself back in that position again; afraid to be vulnerable again, and yet, part of me wants to see her, give myself to her once again. I hear the beep on my phone indicating I have a text. Larry was smiling. "You wouldn't shoot me would you? You laid it on pretty thick in there." Larry, try something crooked and see." I wasn't outwardly smiling ... but? Larry wasn't smiling now after I answered. "Let's get our horses and talk to the Mennonites. We rode in silence out to the Mennonite camp."Jacob Rutterman greeted us as we stepped down from our mounts. "Mr. McBain, what is it that you require now?" The last time I had been here I had asked for a doctor to treat several injured men. Two of those men were now dead. I wasn't surprised that my reception was cool because of it."Sir, would you please gather your people? I have something to say and it concerns you all." Rutterman sent a couple of kids that had followed him out to spread the word that a person was here to speak to them. They gathered slowly in front of me. I was surprised I faced so few men in the group. Most were women and various children of all ages."Larry, would you tell these people why we are here?".
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